yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
