I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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