Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
