thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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