im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
