I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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