Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
