Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
