I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
