Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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