His hands were made for my vagina.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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