I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
