just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
