It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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