Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Boobs are out for the taking
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
