Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
