when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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