He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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