what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
