I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
