hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
