i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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