I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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