He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
