Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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