I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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