My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You pole danced in your parka.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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