I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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