need another drink. this is the easiest way
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
