My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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