your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
