Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
