my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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