i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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