Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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