I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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