im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
