youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dicks are not precious.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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