He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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