that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
