I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
