Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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