How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
