I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
