I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I want to be your penis for a week.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
