i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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