i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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