I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
