Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
