so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
